Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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