Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
