i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I didn't notice because vodka
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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