I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
