True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wish there were birth control emojis
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
