All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
