she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
