the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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