census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
