I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
