I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
