i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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