how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
