I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
