it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
