remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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