If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
