At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
