I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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