I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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