the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
