Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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