I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
