The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
