so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
