Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
