Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
