I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
