Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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