Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
