Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
