my room smells like sperm. sweet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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