Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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