if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
