i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
