Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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