Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
