Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
