i think i have herpe
just one?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
