Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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