i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
