Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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