wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
