My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
