i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
