nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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