Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
