everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
