2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
