You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
