Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
