PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
