Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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