We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
