okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
