Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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