Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
