Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I enjoy the company of your penis
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize