It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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